I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
