I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
