Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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