i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
