Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
