I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize