Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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