Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize