My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
