I'm jealous of your bromance
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
