U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
