I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Please don't give away my fajitas
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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