I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
