I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I believe in your delicious
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
