Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
