every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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