I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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