I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
