He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
