you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
