My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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