I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
