I am full of burrito and curiosity
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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