According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
