...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Randomize
