dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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