so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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