At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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