Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
