Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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