look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
