I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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