she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
