I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
