I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize