The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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