Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
