I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I cockslap morals
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
