Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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