I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
they're like a gay fantastic four
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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