Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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