Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Randomize
