my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
