So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
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