I wish I could teleport
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
