I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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