Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
