If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
