I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
