Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
