ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
