Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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