For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
