She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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