He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
