I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
