two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
