How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
