Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize