I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You are the jesus of drinking
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
