Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize