he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
