i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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