I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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