I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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