I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
