He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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