there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
